[ad_1]
Content: brief mention of past assault experience
Often seen, rarely witnessed. I’ve been reflecting a great deal on the body, the space I take, and the unsettling truth that in many ways I’m still hiding. I’ve wanted to take this photoshoot for quite some time, with the understanding that it would require a level of intimacy that I’ve convinced myself for so long that I’d never actually be prepared for or deserving of. There are parts of me that are fiercely protective, and insecure in their ability to fulfill their role. At their best, they’re the charisma, and the candor that I bring so effortlessly into every interaction. At their worst, they’re distancing, manipulative, and cold. Similarly, there are also sensitive, and joyous parts of myself with deep emotional wounds that were once locked away for “their own good”. However, now more than ever, it feels like it’s time for them to exist in the open and be free.
I do a really good job at explaining, externalizing, and presenting my experiences in a way that then evokes emotional imagery that I can point to in lieu of allowing myself to actually be present, and in-process with how I feel. It’s an automatic process that I understand, while also resent because it’s left me with an ever growing feeling of being misunderstood, no matter how clear and concise that I am. In the rare moments where I do lead with feeling, I’m always surprised at the guidance of my inner landscape. It tells me that I need to feel more, to be more in practice with it, and to learn how to embrace my many multitudes with compassion. I’m urged to slow things down, holding firmly to my truth while allowing enough room between my fingers to let the hurt go. In an effort to listen to my body a bit more courageously, I took the plunge into my discomfort and the results have been more beautiful than I possibly could have imagined.
For me, this shoot was a chance to finally let someone in. An honoring of who I am now, and the reminder that there is an abundance of care at the center of myself and imbued within the relationships I’ve built. I wanted something that could represent the rawness that comes with being reacquainted with yourself for the first time, while also emulating the warmth of a welcomed familiarity.
I’m no stranger to discussions on sex, intimacy, and the body however I often wonder if my presentation and ability to share my expertise so publicly distracts from the tender, less-glamorous needs that have for so long gone unmet. I identify as an aimless and/or displaced storyteller and creative in the sense that over time I’ve lost sight of how to access my inspiration and bring to life the visions of my mind and heart. As such, I recruited the help of my dear friend, Dan who somehow understood so deeply the feelings I wished to convey and allowed me the time to immerse myself and embody the messiness of the process. I am someone who leads with intention and passionate care, partially informed by being plagued by persistent trepidation that normally goes unnoticed.
When I first mentioned wanting to do this shoot, Dan was able to meet me exactly where I was and expressed a genuine interest that signaled to me that even if I didn’t feel 100% safe that he would do all that he could to show up and extend his love and support in whichever ways I needed. This was in Spring 2022, and now here we are in March of 2024 where we finally were able to bring this project to light.
It’s so easy for me to be vocal about sex and the body when I’m speaking to the masses. However, one-on-one settings drive my nervous system into overdrive. This is especially the case in moments with the folks I love the most. For this shoot in particular, I went through the phases of my anxiety up until I stripped naked in my living room and breathed through my body. Up until that point I realized that I hadn’t felt so uncomfortable in my own home ever since I was a teenager, doing my best to survive while carrying the weight of my own despair the days following my first assault. That moment was one of the first times I ever hid my feelings, and my truth from the folks I loved out of fear of them then shouldering the burden themselves.
It was a surreal feeling as I moved through different areas of my apartment, breathing, posing, and following instructions as Dan anchored himself within the one place I always felt in control. He maneuvered through my home in a manner that was so commanding, yet delicate. It was as if he’d always lived here, and the more we went on, the more grateful I felt having invited him to be there with me. I felt my protectors easing their grip, a bit. Not being so weary of my vulnerable parts, and even inviting them to be present.
There was an ease that was so spiritual as I felt myself settling back into my body, feeling more whole than ever before. To have someone see me, embrace me, and welcome me in reminded me so much of what I’d been missing all of this time. At the end, he asked me if we could hug it out which was exactly what I needed as we closed out our morning together. In the days following, I took time to reflect a bit more as I also navigated several other high-intense situations that really challenged me to lean into love a bit more explicitly. Here are a few takeaways:
- Love is infinite.
- Relinquishing control can create opportunities for care you probably didn’t even imagine.
- Sometimes our community can hold us more gently than we can ourselves.
- Pain doesn’t have to exist in isolation. We can share our pain and trust in the healing power of having others be there with us to bear witness.
- There’s no rush. I can take my time, anytime.
I wanted to be sure to share this experience, as it was incredibly healing and a significant moment that marks a much-awaited milestone in my ongoing process. This was my very first nude photoshoot, and I can guarantee that it won’t be my last.
To learn more about me, and my work, feel free to check out my profile, website and my instagram.
Image Description: late-twenties, dark-skinned, cisgendered, Black (African-American) Man, wearing a gold durag is sitting in a chair and is looking straight into the camera. On the foreground of the image, bold yellow text reads “Healing Through Nudity”.
[ad_2]
