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For military couples, the term PCS (Permanent Change of Station) isn’t just an acronym; it’s a marker of a significant life transition. It’s a phrase that carries with it a whirlwind of emotions – anticipation, excitement, but often, anxiety. Alongside the death of a loved one, divorce or separation, long-term illness, and job loss, moving is among the 5 most stressful life events. As a therapist specializing in couples counseling and also a military spouse myself, I recognize the unique challenges that PCS transitions pose to relationships. Let’s delve into this topic, exploring the common stressors that military couples face during these times and how to navigate them in a connective way.
The military lifestyle is inherently nomadic, and with that comes a multitude of changes that can strain even the strongest of bonds. Whether you’re a seasoned military couple or just beginning your journey together, the prospect of packing up your life, saying goodbye to loved ones, and starting afresh in a new location can be daunting. It’s not just about the physical logistics of moving; it’s about the emotional toll it takes on both partners.
One of the most significant challenges of a PCS is the uncertainty that accompanies it. From the timing of orders to the destination itself, military couples often find themselves riddled with stress, making it difficult to plan and prepare effectively. As partners struggle to navigate the unknown together, it’s understandable that this uncertainty can breed anxiety and tension within the relationship.
Another common stressor during a PCS is the sheer volume of tasks that need to be completed before the move. From organizing movers, sorting through belongings, securing housing in the new location, military couples are often overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the to-do list. In the midst of this chaos, it’s easy for communication to break down, leading to misunderstandings and conflict between partners. So, how can you and your partner navigate these challenges and emerge stronger on the other side? The key lies in communication, support, and resilience. Here are a few strategies to help you weather the storm together:
Using Open Communication
This may seem straightforward, but it’s not necessarily effortless. Consider the following recommendations on what this might look like, in this setting. Set aside time to sit down with your partner and openly talk about your fears, hopes, and expectations regarding the move. If you feel hesitant about doing this, remember that emotions are neither right nor wrong—they simply exist. Therefore, they don’t need fixing.
Although it’s natural to want to avoid uncomfortable situations, such as discussing fears, hopes, and expectations, avoiding these discussions limits your readiness and the chance to collaborate effectively with your partner. Be truthful about your concerns and listen empathetically to your partner’s viewpoint. By keeping communication lines open, you can tackle challenges together as a team.
Here are some useful ways to approach these discussions:
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It’s common for discussions like these to be sidelined by the urgent PCS to-do list, but they are just as, if not more, important than simply checking off tasks. Set aside a dedicated time and place specifically for discussing this topic. By doing so, you create space to acknowledge and validate the very real feelings and experiences that come with this transition. This approach allows each of you to feel less isolated in the process.
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Minimize or eliminate outside distractions during the discussion. Giving each other undivided attention will contribute to the much-needed emotional reassurance during potentially challenging conversations.
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Share your thoughts and feelings by saying things like, “When I think about this move, I notice I feel [scared, excited, hopeful, confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc.], and I need [to feel heard, clarity, comfort, reassurance, understanding, etc.].”
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Listen with the intention of understanding, rather than immediately formulating a response. It’s natural to have a reaction to what your partner shares, but be aware of how that reaction affects your response and whether it hinders conveying to your partner that you truly heard them. It can be beneficial to acknowledge their feelings by using empathetic, emotionally validating language, which can sound like, “I hear you… I may not feel the same way at the moment, but I know what it feels like to feel overwhelmed. How can I support you?… I would feel scared in that situation, too… I’m not thrilled about this either… I’m also looking forward to creating a bucket list for our new area…etc.”
Supporting Each Other Emotionally and Logistically
Remember, you’re in this together. Provide emotional support and reassurance to each other during moments of doubt or stress. Rely on each other for strength and encouragement as you navigate the highs and lows of the PCS process. It’s common for spouses and service members to have different experiences of the PCS process, as they are exposed to different aspects and information of military life.
As a spouse, it’s normal to feel confused and uncertain about what questions to ask; sometimes you don’t even know what you don’t know. Therefore, it’s crucial for the service member to be clear and forthcoming about timeline information regarding orders and aspects of the to-do list that only they can handle. By understanding each other’s roles, you can better identify each other’s needs during this transition and discuss how to support one another. For example:
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If the logistical aspects of the PCS process feel overwhelming, prioritizing tasks, assigning responsibilities, and deciding who will handle each task can reduce stress and prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
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Schedule a weekly check-in to update each other on progress with the to-do list. This will help keep things on track and allow for adjustments if unexpected factors arise.
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If concerns arise about losing your social or familial support system, communicate with your spouse about what it would look like for them to provide you with temporary additional support while you establish a new support network.
Image description: photo of a military couple of Color, the femme-presenting partner in the back is lovingly embracing the masculine-presenting partner in the front in uniform. Both are smiling towards the camera. Photo from Canva.
Creating Rituals of Connection
Amidst the chaos of packing and planning, it’s important to prioritize your relationship, although admittedly easier said than done. One practical way to do this is by dedicating time each day to connect with your partner, whether it’s sharing a meal, going for a walk, or simply having a conversation. These moments of connection can strengthen your bond and offer a much-needed break from the stresses of the move.
During the “hurry up and wait” phase of a PCS, these rituals of connection become even more crucial. They provide a sense of security and reliability when everything else in your life may feel out of control. Military couples often experience anxiety during transitions like this due to the many unknowns involved, and it’s important to foster certainty in the relationship during such times. The frequency of the chosen rituals can vary, as long as both partners are in agreement as to when to expect them to happen.
Regardless of the ritual you choose, here’s a tip to consider as you connect with your partner during these moments: Emotionally Focused Therapy introduces an important acronym that can assist couples in incorporating connection into their rituals. A.R.E. stands for accessible, responsive, and engaged. Essentially, to feel securely attached to our partner, we want to know: “Are you there for me? If I reach out to you, will you respond? And if you do, will I matter? Will you see and understand where I am?” To ensure emotional intimacy during your rituals of connection be sure to convey these messages through your actions.
Seeking Professional Help As Needed
Unfortunately, during stressful times or crises, unresolved issues in a relationship often come to the surface, and adding the stress of a move to those can feel even more overwhelming. If you find yourselves struggling to cope with the challenges of a PCS, don’t hesitate to seek support from a couples therapist. Whether it’s to address lingering hurts that are affecting your daily interactions or to have a safe space to navigate and find compromises on PCS-related disagreements, a trained professional can provide you with the tools and strategies necessary to navigate this transition successfully and emerge with a stronger, more resilient relationship.
In conclusion, navigating a PCS as a military couple is no easy feat, but it’s not impossible either. By prioritizing communication, support, and resilience, you and your partner can overcome the challenges of this transition and emerge stronger than ever before. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey – reach out for help when you need it, whether connecting with loved ones, seeking professional help, and/or using resources like Military One Source and your command Ombudsman. Lastly, remember to lean on each other for support; together, you can thrive in the face of change and build a relationship that can withstand any challenge that comes your way.
Seeking care as military couples
At Colorado Therapy Collective, our therapists believe in providing support at any stage of a move. We aim to help couples understand what drives their conflict and disconnect, and find their way back to each other as they navigate various life stressors. We have therapists with specific expertise in working with military couples.
Click here to send me a message if I can be of support.
Image description: Moving boxes being moved into an empty moving truck
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