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“Oh, my god. I can’t believe I just said that.”
“Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I do anything right?”
“What an idiot.”
Sound familiar? Whether on the giving or receiving end of these statements, we’ve all been there before. Shame can permeate our everyday interactions – in our own heads, at work, or at home. While it can often go unnoticed, it can still affect us deeply. So how do some people end up regularly having the above or similar thoughts, and get stuck in a seemingly endless loop of low self-worth?
Shame often lies at the root of many difficult emotional and social experiences, and can be threaded into the very way we see ourselves and the world. Like any emotional habit, feelings of shame often begin early in life in our childhoods and adolescence, carrying through into adult relationships if unchecked.
What is shame?
The dictionary definition of shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Shame is not quite the same as guilt though, when we feel bad about a specific choice we’ve made. It’s much more pervasive: it makes us feel like something we’ve done renders us essentially a bad person, and that we deserve rejection from those around us.
Shame is a universal experience, as we are social beings and require a community around us in order to survive. Our fear of rejection motivates us to change and adapt our behaviors, for both our own sakes and that of the groups that sustain us. But taken to the extreme, this fear can significantly limit our beliefs and choices, and shut us down from connection.
Internalized shame: when falsehoods feel true
In cultures that emphasize collectivism and hierarchy, shame is often normalized. These cultures tend to prioritize the wellbeing of groups over the individual, and the experience of elders over their younger counterparts. In Asian families, the general assumption is that it’s wrong to challenge someone more “senior” than you, like a parent or grandparent, even if they say or do something hurtful.
As a result, we might internalize negative feedback that we hear about ourselves, believing that it’s true that we can’t do anything right, are less intelligent than our siblings, will never find a loving partner – when in reality these thoughts are often unfounded, and stem from the shame that has been passed on over generations.
Tools to overcome shame
Recognizing what shame looks like can help us disarm it, and tune into our true self-worth. We are never born with shame; it is a feeling we take in from the outside.
1. “Shoulds” and “Shouldn’ts”
Shame operates on the judgment that we “should” or “should not” do things a certain way, and measures our value based on whether we abide by these rules. Identifying shaming voices and behaviors can help prevent us from believing we are worse than we are. Some examples are:
Shaming behavior:
- Rolling eyes
- Scoffing impatiently
- Pointing or laughing at someone
Shaming voices:
- “You should know better than this.”
- “How could you get this wrong?”
- “You shouldn’t talk so much. No one wants to hear what you have to say.”
2. It’s not about you
If you hear or see any of the above, know that you don’t deserve to. The person shaming you has been shamed themselves, and their shaming you shows that they haven’t processed their own hurt. They aren’t the final judge of your life – you are, which means you are free to let go of whatever they project onto you.
3. Talk to yourself as you would a child or friend
Everyone, including adults, needs to hear words of encouragement like “no worries, try harder next time”, or “you got this!” By addressing ourselves with kindness, understanding and compassion, we can build a more realistic view of ourselves, balancing room for growth and contentment with our positive qualities.
To conclude: let’s learn to recognise shame from love. While shame sets out unrealistic conditions for earning love, real love is always nurturing and empathetic, allowing a person to exist freely. The antidote to shame is not to simply fulfill others’ expectations for what they think is right for you, but rather, to familiarize yourself with your own values, needs and wants, and be your own biggest supporter.
Image description:
Man wearing yellow beanie and hooded jacket covering his face with both hands, standing or sitting in the dark.
Photo by @felipepelaquim on Unsplash
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